Men’s dating profile FAIL #1

Photos.

“Ok, what pictures of myself do I have.  I have a picture of me kite-dancing from 300-feet away… let’s use that one….and I have this picture of me tanked at a bachelor party with a naked-lady shirt on… bingo…. what else.  Ooh, me and my ex-girlfriend…..she looks like a hoebag, but I look awesome and tousled in it since we just did it right before this was taken….. And one more.. one more… Ah- shirtless. PERFECT.  Shows off my rock-hard keg and my lack of chest hair.  Watch out ladies. “

 

 

Dating Site Evals: OK Cupid

Ok, so it turns out “OKCupid”?  There’s a reason it’s not called “AwesomeCupid”.  I signed up for this free site at the behest of the super tall super skinny super model girl upstairs who claims “it’s like the best site ever”.   In the course of my 2-week stint,  I received 3 emails:  

One from a guy asking “Where do u live?” when I clearly state in my profile that I live near downtown in Seattle.  What, he wants cross-streets?  Sounded to me like someone wanted to get laid 2-night.  (Also noted in my profile was my EXTREME hatred of anyone using “u” instead of “you” or “r” instead of “are” in any text-based communication, however this was clearly ignored…)  

Email number two was also a short but sweet note…pure poetry….I printed it out and keep it close to my heart…. I sometimes weep thinking about these beautiful words, and I oft dream what might have been, had this stallion been mine….   Here’s what my one true love- my Yates…my Shakespeare…my charmer wrote to me……”NiCe b()()bs”  He must have gone through draft after draft…wringing his hands, tearing up paper… he must have gone through an entire bottle of ink…..

Email number 3 was just boring.  I had nothing to say back to him.  He said something to the effect of “Oh I like dogs.  Neat hat. I’m george.”  I know, I know, it was all very sweet.  I’m just a raging b*** I guess.  

Anyways, my OK cupid account has been closed as of a week ago.  I only had it for two weeks, so I can’t really give a truly meaningful account of its worthiness.  I’ve heard good things.  I just ran out of patience.  Alas, my loves, I bid you adieu.

Next eval post… Match.com

Coming soon (after I sign up and have actually been ON it for a while.. eharmony.com

Dear Escalator Patrons….

…of the 5th and Pike office building.  The escalator is a conveyance.  It is not Space Mountain.  It is not a ride for your amusement.  It’s a moving STAIRCASE.  If you were supposed to stand still, it would be called an ELEVATOR.